November and December 2022: Consistently pushing through a sense of being undeserving
I witnessed a beautiful orange sunrise flood the field at Bonzer Romford car boot sale and imagined how wonderful it would be to experience this without being surrounded by people (smoking cannabis): I bought all of the gear I need for surviving outside and gobbling up the ebooks, Wild Camping: Everything you need to know to enjoy a comfortable night under the stars by David Flanegan and Wild Camping: Exploring and Sleeping in the Wilds of the UK and Ireland by Stephen Neale, made me vow to try solo wild camping locally to gain some experience (over my fearful monkey mind) before venturing abroad.
Also I need to increase my fitness since I was struck down with shoulder bursitis a couple of years ago, though given that I thankfully can do sun salutations once more (which I put down to having just completed 365 days of (yin) yoga and meditation)}, I’m stronger in the upper body than I thought.
Short films and recordings of poems from my new poetry collection, Severed: my 2020 in daily 50-word / character poems, can be found on my YouTube channel, Gemma Boyd: Musician, Writer & Artist. Someone commented about them, “Powerful, accurate. Like holding up a mirror to my face.”
I miss my allotments more that I can bear to think about, but love being surrounded at home by all of the cuttings and seeds I saved from them: the roses have healthy buds and leaves on them; nasturtium roots are emerging from the bottom of their pot; rosemary, passion fruit, grapevine and marigold rooted well in water; branch cuttings I took from my apple, pear, damson and fig trees are all sprouting, and I transplanted into the garden my 10-year-old fennel plant along with one of the big ‘flat’ worms that are a mainstay of the allotments.
With my last ever allotment harvest I made Fried Green Tomato Parmesan; Green Tomato and Apple Pie; glazed rainbow carrots with hard cider; damson gin; caramelized onion, roast garlic, kale, apple and sage pasta, plus spaghetti with dandelion greens, tomato and garlic.
Every time I decide to embark on a new adventure, the same old bastard question resurfaces: How do I believe I deserve happiness and fulfillment?
I’ve realised that if I work towards my aspirations with the attitude that they’re just items to tick off on a checklist (no matter how slowly), with self-compassion, patience, and a willingness to reward the whole of me (the physical, mental, creative and spiritual), they do eventually materialize.
Take for example my new YouTube channel, Incest Survivor's Roar: working creatively with survivors of incest abuse is a project I’ve made a start on even though I think everyone’s better than me. I come across as awkward and unsure in videos, but I was able to see past my self-hatred to the fact that I have a beautiful smile, a calming voice and a big heart. I trust my instincts and instead of reinventing the wheel, I’m using material I’ve already got at hand. It was great to connect with Art to Healing (Ending the Vicious Cycle of Child Sex Slavery) through this work.
Nudging oneself to take a walk to somewhere different can bring on a cascade of welcome happenstances. One dark day I visited the stunning frozen lake at Fairlop Waters where I became surrounded by brown ducks, and on returning home discovered two deeply inspirational souls: Kristin Olson of Urban Yoga (her energy was just what I needed), and The Man Who Wanted to See It All, Heinz Stücke. He travelled the world on his bike and camped in unusual places so that he could remember them better - for 51 years!
Christine McVie of the band Fleetwood Mac died. I’d like to pay tribute to her divine talent by posting a clip of her performing her beautiful song, Songbird:
“Art is the tree of life.”