October 2021: Near giving up

I didn’t feel that the world is to be feared when I walked around Fairlop Waters on my first real outing since COVID, and spotted some wild rabbits.

Part 2 of 'The Wisdom of Trauma' Talks on Trauma series was amazing and mind-blowing.

Left shoulder problems update: I could hold my other hand behind my back, do my own hair and bow my violin on the D as well as the A and E strings for the first time in months, plus sort of get myself into a downward dog.

Having regained the strength in my fingers through regular practise on multiple instruments again, I felt empowered to write myself into adventure - until I was dealt another devastating blow: I’d spent six months building my mixed media art shop with artweb.com. My site was riddled with technical glitches, however, which I had to ask repeatedly to be fixed. Instead of solving these issues, the one (well-hidden) guy assigned to help customers, gaslighted and lied to me. When I called him out on this he cancelled my website! Hours of work potentially down the drain because I’d had the self-respect not to be abused. I’m going to report them to trading standards. Moral of the story: if you’re an artist just starting out selling your art online I’d recommend selling it on a platform that’s heavily reputable, well-known and transparent. I’ve transferred my shop to Etsy for now, which I very much like the vibe of. My own self-hosted store will come in its own sweet time.

As a result of all this stress, stiffness returned to both of my shoulders and arms, I developed back pain and my anger / frustration-induced self-hatred and unhealthy eating habits returned: it’s like in my head I know that pathetic, incompetent narcissists like the ‘artweb’ guy aren’t worth a second thought, but their impact on my body as I’m getting older is catastrophic. I cried listening to Gabor Maté explaining how the key to healing chronic pain is to address the underlying trauma. What if the trauma’s relentless, though?

Being an artist, musician and writer feels thankless nowadays; with people not valuing what I do enough to actually pay for it, as well as Western society’s war on feeling / the human soul.

Then I look to my fantasy future of living in an A-frame, school bus or cob house… or of blissfully not being here at all.