October - December 2023: ‘Fearless Living’ by Rhonda Britten
“The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart.”
Completing Fearless Living: Live Without Excuses and Love Without Regret by Rhonda Britten, has afforded me six months of taking a sedulous look at myself and potentially a revivifying approach to my days.
I’ve been doing this against a poisonous backdrop: months of intimidation from a neighbour just because I asked him to turn his loud music down; feeling trapped in an unhealthy long-term relationship; scammers emptying my bank account on the pretext of ‘buying’ one of my artworks on Etsy, and being sexually assaulted twice by men in plain sight as I walked down the street. Never before have I felt more like prey - and being menopausal helps nothing.
Nightmares about family members bullying me and being ‘less than’ intensify as I do Rhonda's exercises and shift off my ‘wheel of fear’ and onto my ‘wheel of freedom’ - quite natural for the self-protective negativity bias to bite in this way, apparently: I realise that I have a tendency to allow expectations from family to eclipse all of the great qualities others have seen in me.
The stories of incredible women; Diana Nyad, Natalie Sands and Angela Madsen who have been determined to beat their pasts, motivate me: I’ve identified my essential nature as FOCUSED, and my wholeness (the quality I yearn to give to others / the world / myself) as PERSONAL POWER.
By prioritizing my own dreams, happiness and independence, I’ve accomplished four overnighters wild camping in my local woods, and have fire in my belly to find work elsewhere.
Deliciousness from the garden: raspberries for breakfast from small cuttings; creamy vivid green and orange self-seeded mini gourds; the best crop of red tomatoes (grown in a pot) that I’ve ever had with fresh mixed herbs; low-sugar mixed fruit cordial with ice; peppery nasturtiums that rooted in the lawn, and baby figs from the many branch cuttings I propagated.
I’ve been going head-to-head with my CPTSD / contamination OCD by visiting large crowded shops, getting new glasses and using public transport for the first time since the pandemic in 2020.
Welcome alterations in my behaviour have occurred: I see being an outcast as a positive; I no longer physically self-harm, and I’ve learnt not to presume that my friends / supporters will be able to fulfill my every need.
I’m contemplating a return to busking: music is where my sense of empowerment remains. I’ve really enjoyed becoming more fluent melodically on the guitar, and I’m still creating a musical improvisation / composition a day, which you can listen to on my YouTube channel: Gemma Boyd: Musician, Writer & Artist.
My commitment to yoga and meditation enables me to stay calm, to retain an open heart and to feel that I can be bigger than what tests me. This has been fortified by participating once more in the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion Public Circles of Practice on Zoom.
Living Yin yoga instructor, Truth Robinson said to make sure that you ‘put your big stones in your bucket and the little ones you can fit around them’.
Writing this personal blog helps me to identify movement in my life, even if it feels like I’m standing still.
Finally I thought you might enjoy this poem: For a New Beginning by John O' Donohue. Let its words sink in.