September - November 2024: Navigating challenge and change
Stone (Thobar Phádraig)
by David Whyte
The face in the stone is a mirror looking into you.
You have gazed into the moving waters,
you have seen the slow light, in the sky
above Lough Inagh, beneath you, streams have flowed,
and rivers of earth have moved beneath your feet,
but you have never looked into the immovability
of stone like this, the way it holds you, gives you
not a way forward but a doorway in, staunches
your need to leave, becomes faithful by going nowhere,
something that wants you to stay here and look back,
be weathered by what comes to you, like the way you too
have travelled from so far away to be here, once reluctant
and now as solid and as here and as willing
to be touched as everything you have found.
I have a choice as to whether I revert to the old patterns of letting others dictate my fate of abuse and responsibility that’s not mine or to get out. Recently I’ve been living my personal power and I’m not so consumed by personal trauma: I found clarity in Aberdeen, and the trick now is not to let it fade; to keep up the momentum of being strong and going for (the idea of) moving to Scotland and not settling for less than what I know is good for me: self-sufficient, planet-friendly tiny (natural) home living with a like-minded community and a town or city nearby where I can play my musical instruments and work as an all-round artist with survivors of incest. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting better for myself, and I’m trying to believe that I’m capable of making it happen - with more support (I must speak well of myself at all times because it’s my energy that others pick up on).
My ‘Operation Aberdeen’ to-do list has felt like an immovable stone of pure desire: over the past few months I’ve swung back into fear and isolation: doubting myself and engaging in self-sabotaging bad habits - easier than making the changes that I know in my heart I need to make. I’ve felt overwhelmed by choice / the myriad of serious, complex, worrisome issues that need addressing, and have experienced a visceral resistance to all of it - in fact I shut down completely for a while, and I can’t remember the last time I had fun.
I needed a break from everything, read books and took woodland walks - and in letting go, good and surprising things came my way plus I was able to decipher between the decisions I’m making from my essence and fear-based ones (like testing brutal computer games and filling in surveys for a pittance).
I sat on a quiet bench in Claybury Park, marked up ‘Operation Aberdeen’ with cheery colour pencils and began by choosing easy goals interspersed with those that excite me, then those that will get me to Scotland.
Once I was back in the flow I did the most confronting tasks first while I was fresh.
Below are thoughts I had on the nature of change and challenge as I religiously handwrote my journal:
Screen addiction numbs one to everything; both the difficulty and the joy.
Beware of getting bogged down in self-help, but remain open to up-to-date therapies which will support you in mind and body.
Things unexpectedly bubble up that you feel like you can do when it wasn’t the right time before.
Life and human beings are chaotic so it’s important to be flexible and to have options which if you act in accordance with your core values and beliefs, lead to the same outcome.
Do I really want to become a hermit or are my present circumstances making me feel this way?
“What if all that we need is already here? We just have to see and remember… What if what we are looking for is already here?” (thank you Kiko Denzer for posing these questions to me).
Start conversations with people: pick up the phone!
Much of the time it feels like less hassle to stay where you are, but scratch the surface and you’re reminded again of why you needed to move on in the first place - and that the longer you stay, the worse it’s going to get.
It takes nerve and grit to take on the future when I feel so physically atrocious, but what’s the alternative? Rest.
I’m on the cusp of breaking my new life open with the past tugging at my heals. Listen to your body’s wisdom. Ask questions.
Observe the calmness of nature and how its changes are gradual, almost imperceptible.
Acknowledge your efforts to yourself every day until you focus on your strengths and not so much on your wobbles - though both are valuable.
Push yourself a little harder because it’s never exactly the right time.
There is no time left for procrastination, but remember that the universe was for me in Aberdeen.
Is it possible to rise from ground zero in my 50th year? I’m more myself than ever before.
In the hardest of times appear the poem you were meant to hear; a book you were meant to find; the singer you loved growing up.
You can’t have a good week every week.
Don’t just read others’ stuff; refocus on making your things happen.
Be mindful of protective demons from your past (selves) showing up in nightmares; dredging up your unease.
Everything could become more unbearable now that you’ve made the decision to leave.
Don’t try to do everything at once, all alone.
Keep reminding yourself why you deserve good things.
What emotions / habits are driving this decision?
Why not?
Putting effort into others is easier than investing in yourself.
“As you start to walk on the way, the way appears” is a quote by the 13th century Islamic scholar, poet, and Sufi mystic Jalal al-Din Muhammad Rumi - and so true!
“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”