June 2020: Reframing failure

If you were 100 years of age and knew you were about to die, what advice would you give to a young person? I would say, “Follow your heart, live your truth, be kind and take risks.”

Having pondered on this some more, I came to the wholehearted conclusion that plants, the outdoors, live music and being away from computer screens are what I truly desire, and that as soon as I feel it’s safe enough to fly again, I shall be escaping England (I’d like to try rural Norway next and am loving learning Norwegian in preparation).

So in alignment with the above realizations, I put on my first organic plant sale outside Jan and I’s house, for which I had fun painting ‘COVID-19 lockdown tins planted up with chilli seedlings I’d grown from seed… I made zero sales.

Ultimately I felt like a failure and took this complete flop very personally. In a way, though, I’d set myself up to fail right from the inception of the idea by saying things like, ‘I know it’ll probably be a total disaster, but I’ll give it a go’, and ‘Everything I turn my hand to at the moment is a failure, so this will just be one more to add to the list’. Basically the energy I was giving out and my narrow-minded judgements of how others would receive my project, were both morbidly negative, and I have to take some responsibility for that. I struggle to pinpoint the reason behind why I talk myself down so much, but here goes…

At base I’m a huge red gaping wound of unmet needs, and it’s taken me most of my life to work out and believe (evidentially), that I’m as amazing as the next person. This knowledge has far from taken root, however and sometimes I don’t think I try my best at new projects to confirm the monster of my subconscious conviction that I’m not good enough and still undeserving of happiness and fulfillment.

To counteract this, daily I must implement a morning routine of loving, respecting and believing in myself (through journalling, yoga and meditation, and now running). It’s hard. Out of this work, though, arrived the ability to reframe in a more positive light, the disappointment of this dream not sprouting wings: By getting out there among people, I’d confronted my ‘OCD contamination’ fears; I’d enjoyed face-to-face contact with curious members of my community; I loved playing quiet guitar behind the plants I’d nurtured; Jan and I had come together to make the event happen; I got support from unexpected places; the universe sent me things I needed to hear, and I learnt that I must advertise my next event more effectively and improve my sales patter.

I could’ve easily written off the whole thing as having been a waste of time, but it so wasn’t…. the gift was in the journey and when all is said and done, I’d rather have spent the days leading up to the sale in a state of feeling connected to my higher purpose instead of hugging the sofa in denial in front of Netflix.